I JUST FUCKING LOVE SOCKS. THEY ARE AMAZING. I CAN’T THINK OF A SINGLE SITUATION THAT DOES NOT REQUIRE THE PRESENCE OF SOCKS LONG ONES, FUCKING SHORT ONES, WHO GIVES A FUCK? OH MY GOD, JUST THINKING ABOUT A NICE, CRISP PAIR OF NEW MOTHERFUCKING SOCKS IS BLOWING M’MIND RIGHT NOW. SOCKS PROVIDE SUCH AN IMPORTANT AND AMAZING SERVICE TO US FUCKING PEOPLE. FIRST OF ALL, IF YOU HAVE SWEATY ASS FEET LIKE I DO, THEY ABSORB ALL YOUR FUCKING SWEAT, NO QUESTIONS ASKED. OTHERWISE THAT SWEAT TRICKLES DOWN LIKE REPUBLICAN MONETARY POLICY INTO THE FUCKING CESSPOOL OF BACTERIA INSIDE YOUR SHOES AND DOES THIS CRAZY FUCKING KARDASHIAN-LIKE BREEDING OF FILTH AND STENCH AND THEN NO ONE LIKES YOUR FUCKING ASS ANYMORE AND YOU BECOME AFRAID TO TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES AT PEOPLE’S HOUSES AND SHIT AND SOMETIMES PEOPLE CAN BE WEIRD ABOUT THAT FUCKING SHIT. LIKE “OH, PLEASE REMOVE YOUR FOOTWEAR SINCE IT TRACKS IN GERMS.” OH, OK WHATEVER, NOT LIKE I HAVEN’T GONE TO A PUBLIC BATHROOM AND SAW YOUR HUSBAND NOT WASH HIS FUCKING HANDS AFTER USING THE SHITTER, BUT I DIGRESS, BITCH. SOCKS MAKE ME FEEL SO COZY AND HAPPY. I WOULD WEAR THEM IN THE FUCKING SHOWER IF I COULD, BUT THEN IT FEELS LIKE YOU STEPPED IN A VAGINA PATCH, AND UNLESS YOU’RE A WEIRD GROSS SEX PIG, THAT’S AN UNWELCOME AND UNFAMILIAR FEELING. SOCKS PROTECT THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR FUCKING FEET, WHICH REMINDS ME OF LT. DAN FROM “FOREST GUMP”, WHO WAS OBSESSED WITH SOCKS AND GENERAL FOOTCARE. IF THERE WERE NO SOCKS ON THIS FUCKING PLANET I WOULD PRAY FOR IT TO GET NUKED BY ROBOTS, OR I WOULD BUY SOME FUCKING T SHIRTS FOR INFANTS AND WRAP THEM AROUND MY FEET. LOOK AT THAT! SOCKS! CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW FUCKING RICH MR. SOCK, THE INVENTOR OF SOCKS, MUST BE BY NOW? JESUS! AND WHERE WOULD FLEA, BASSIST OF THE RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS, BE WITHOUT THE INNOVATIONS OF MR. SOCK? PROBABLY IN  FUCKING JAIL FOR EVEN MORE ACTS OF INDECENT EXPOSURE! SPEAKING OF WHICH, SOCK PUPPETS ARE RAPE, YOU FUCKING SICK FUCKS. JUST LEAVE THOSE FUCKING SOCKS ALONE, OR WEAR THEM, BUT STOP PERSONIFYING THEM AND THEN FISTING THEM LIKE A PARTY IN PROVINCETOWN, RAPISTS. JUST LET SOCKS LOVE YOUR FEET DOWN AND PROTECT YOUR SENSITIVE FUCKING HEEL SKIN FROM CHAFING THE FUCK OFF, HUH? JESUS.

I JUST FUCKING LOVE POTATOES. WHEN GOD WAS CREATING THE FUCKING EARTH BACK IN THE DAY, HE WAS PROBABLY LIKE, “JESUS CHRIST I NEED A FUCKING SNACK. TOO BAD I HAVE TO WAIT LIKE 3.5 BILLION YEARS FOR DUNKAROOS OR DORITOS TO BE INVENTED.” AND THEN, BAM! HE CREATED THE STARCHY DELICIOUS OBLONGS KNOWN AS POTATOES AND SHOVED THEM INTO THE GROUND FOR SAFE KEEPING. LUCKILY FOR US, HE FUCKING FORGOT ABOUT THEM SO NOW THEY ARE ALL OURS! FINDERS KEEPERS, GOD, SO BACK THE FUCK OFF! NOW, WE HAVE POTATOES IN ALL DIFFERENT SHAPES AND SIZES AND EVEN THE INSTANT VARIETY. I FUCKING LOVE TO CURL UP WITH A BOWL OF IDAHOAN AND WATCH TRASH TV LIKE “BRIDALPLASTY” OR SOME OTHER BULLSHIT FROM OUR DEBASED SOCIETY. IDAHOAN IS THE REAL FUCKING HOOK UP, GOD DAMN IT. JUST TWO CUPS OF COLD WATER, 5 MINUTES IN THE NUKE-PIECE, AND THEN YOU GET TO PLAY GOD—BAM! INSTANT MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES. SINCE I’M IRISH, I HAVE A SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP WITH POTATOES BECAUSE OF THE FAMINE THAT ALMOST WIPED MY PEOPLE OUT. SOMETIMES ASSHOLES SAY BULLSHIT TO ME LIKE, “HEY WHY DIDN’T THOSE LAZY IRISH PEOPLE FISH WHEN THE FAMINE HIT, HUH?” AND I ALWAYS WANT TO SHANK THEM BECAUSE THAT IS SOME RACIST BULLSHIT AND IT OBVIOUSLY INDICATES THAT THESE FUCKING PEOPLE DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW AWESOME POTATOES ARE. WHY WOULD I FUCKING FISH WHEN I CAN HAVE A GOD DAMNED POTATO, HUH, ASSHOLE? WHAT DISH IS NOT IMPROVED UPON WHEN A FUCKING POTATO COMES TO THE PARTY, HUH? NAME ONE. I WILL WAIT WHILE YOU THINK OF ONE. SEE? YOU CAN’T. FUCK YOU. ANYWAY, POTATOES FUCKING RULE. THEY HAVE BEEN USED IN GUNS, TOYS, FOOD, AND BEVERAGES FOR LIKE A BAZILLION YEARS. I UNDERSTAND THAT SOME PEOPLE LIKE DAN QUAYLE MIGHT NOT LIKE POTATOES, BUT WHATEVER, HE SUCKS ANYWAY. ONE TIME WHEN I WAS A KID I THREW A POTATO AT MY SISTER FOR HAVING THE NERVE TO TURN DOWN MY STEREO WHEN IT WAS BLARING “IF” BY JANET JACKSON AND SHE FELL TO THE GROUND SCREAMING IN PAIN. TAUGHT HER A FUCKING LESSON, I DID. DON’T TEST ME! HOPEFULLY GOD WON’T FUCKING FIGURE OUT THAT HE LEFT HIS STASH OF POTATOES HERE ON EARTH BECAUSE I AM *NOT* FUCKING GIVING THEM BACK. HE’S GOD! WHAT THE FUCK DOES HE NEED POTATOES FOR? DUNKAROOS FUCKING EXIST NOW, ANYWAY, SO HE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE AN EXCUSE! DON’T TAKE THAT SHIT FROM GOD, PEOPLE. HE NEEDS TO FUCKING SLOW HIS ROLL. HE CAN HAVE SOME IDAHOAN IF HE ASKS ME NICELY, BUT I GET TO CONTROL THE REMOTE FOR THE TV. HE’LL HAVE TO WATCH “HOARDERS—BURIED ALIVE” OR “STYLE BY JURY” IF HE WANTS SOME BAM!-POTATOES FROM ME, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE. I DON’T FUCKING PLAY.

I JUST FUCKING LOVE KARAOKE. DON’T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT, IT’S FUCKING AWESOME, OK? THE PERSON WHO CAME UP WITH KARAOKE DESERVES A FUCKING NOBEL PRIZE, GOD DAMN IT. KARAOKE HAS BEEN KEEPING OUR DIVE BARS AFLOAT SINCE WHO THE FUCK KNOWS WHEN, AND IF YOU’RE A FUCKING LUSH LIKE MOST OF MY FRIENDS, THAT’S A PRETTY AWESOME DEAL THERE. KARAOKE IS LIKE SINGING IN THE CAR, WHICH YOU FUCKING AMAZING BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE SENT FROM HEAVEN KNOW I FUCKING LOVE THE SHIT OUT OF, BUT IT TAKES SOME REAL TITANIUM BALLS OR BRASS LADY BUSINESS TO GET UP IN FRONT OF A BUNCH OF DRUNK TOWNIES AND SING “LOVE CHILD” LIKE YOU FUCKING MEAN IT. YOU ARE THAT LOVE CHILD, GOD DAMN IT, BUT YOU WERE MEANT TO BE—MEANT TO BE FUCKING BELTING THAT SHIT OUT OVER A PASSABLE INSTRUMENTAL “IN THE STYLE OF DIANA FUCKING ROSS”! DIANA ROSS TOTALLY HAS TWO LAZY EYES, I SWEAR TO GOD. JUST LOOK AT HER, SOMETIMES! SHE HAS LAZY EYES OR DOES TOO MUCH FUCKING COKE, BUT NO JUDGMENT! AND, SOMETIMES THAT LAZY EYE THING CAN BE FUCKING SEDUCTIVE, OK? I MEAN, REALLY, IT’S LIKE PEOPLE WITH LAZY EYES ARE SEEING A WORLD THE REST OF US HAVE NO FUCKING PERCEPTION OF, WHICH TOTALLY MEANS THEY SHOULD JOIN THE PSYCHIC FRIENDS NETWORK. ALSO, PEOPLE WITH LAZY EYES TOTALLY GOT FUCKING MADE FUN OF LIKE THERE’S NO TOMORROW IN GRADE SCHOOL, WHICH IS TOTALLY FUCKING RUDE BECAUSE THEY CAN’T FUCKING HELP IT! DO YOU FUCKING THINK THEY JUST SAY TO THEMSELVES “OK, LEFT EYE, YOU GO DOWN THE RIVER AND GET BACK TO ME LATER ON.” NO, THEY FUCKING DON’T, AND THEN SOME ASSHOLE KID WHOSE PARENTS DIDN’T LOVE HIM SAYS, “HEY GOOGLEY EYES, WHATCHA LOOKIN’ AT?” WHATEVER, THAT KID IS AN ASSHOLE AND MAKES EVERYONE’S LIFE MISERABLE BECAUSE HIS PARENTS DIDN’T BUY HIM ANY CHRISTMAS PRESENTS BECAUSE THEY SPENT ALL THEIR MONEY ON SCRATCH TICKETS AND METH! ANYWAY, KARAOKE FUCKING KILLS IT EVERY NIGHT OF THE WEEK. YOU GO INTO A FUCKING AWESOME BAR THAT HAS THOSE VIDEO SLOT MACHINES AND SMELLS LIKE THE PORN SECTION OF YOUR HOMETOWN VIDEO STORE AND IN THE CORNER OF THE ROOM IS AN AWESOME DUDE WHO BROUGHT YOU ALL YOUR FAVE INSTRUMENTALS TO MAKE INTO FUCKING PROFOUND LYRICAL POETRY, WITH A VIDEO PROMPTER IN CASE YOU FUCK UP. THIS IS YOUR FUCKING NIGHT. YOU GET TO CHOOSE A SONG IN THE BIG FUCKING TRAPPER KEEPER BINDER THING AND FOR THAT MOMENT IT’S LIKE YOU’RE A REAL RECORDING ARTIST, JUST DROPPING INTO YOUR FUCKING LOCAL WATERING HOLE TO SERENADE THE GOD DAMNED MASSES. AND IF YOU DO KARAOKE, YOU FUCKING RESPECT PEOPLE WHO GET THEIR FUCKING TALENTLESS ASSES UP THERE AND BELCH THEIR WAY THROUGH “PROUD MARY”, OR BRING THEIR WEIRD HUSBAND ONSTAGE TO SING “LEATHER AND LACE” WITH SOME INAPPROPRIATE TOUCHING. YOU RESPECT THAT SHIT BECAUSE IT TAKES REAL FUCKING COURAGE TO SOUND HORRIBLE AND OWN THAT FUCKING SHIT. THAT’S WHY I ALWAYS FUCKING CHEER PEOPLE ON OVER-VIGOROUSLY BECAUSE THEY FUCKING NEED TO KNOW THEY TOUCHED MY SOUL WITH THEIR RENDITION OF “GYPSIES, TRAMPS, AND THIEVES”. THERE IS NO FUCKING BAD KARAOKE, PEOPLE, EXCEPT IF YOU SING “CLOSING TIME”, “BITTERSWEET SYMPHONY”, “THE DEVIL WENT DOWN TO GEORGIA”, OR ANYTHING BY JACK JOHNSON OR DAVE MATTHEWS. I WILL FUCKING SHANK YOU. OTHER THAN THAT, FUCKING TAKE ME ON YOUR PERSONAL JOURNEY THROUGH “BECAUSE OF YOU” BY GORGEOUS KELLY CLARKSON, OR GET US ALL WORKED UP WITH “FREAK ME” BY SILK. JUST USE A CONDOM, THOUGH, PLEASE. SAFETY FUCKING FIRST!   

I JUST FUCKING LOVE DIET PEPSI. I MEAN, I’LL PRETTY MUCH DRINK THE FUCK OUT OF ALL DIET SODA THAT IS ON SALE, BUT DIET PEPSI IS REALLY MY FUCKING JAM. GET IN THERE, PEOPLE! WHAT IS MORE REFRESHING THAN THE FUCKING CRISP COOL KISS OF DIET PEP, DEEP-TONGUING YOUR PINK ESOPHAGUS? NOTHING, THAT’S THE FUCK WHAT, OK? I KNOW THERE ARE A TON OF FUCKING PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO LOVE TO RAIN ON MY DIET SODA PARADE, BUT WHAT THE FUCK EVER OK? SO YEAH, I’LL PROBABLY GET STOMACH CANCER AND GROW AN EXTRA ARM, BUT WHO GIVES A SHIT, RIGHT? ASK ME TO HOLD SHIT FOR YOU, I DON’T KNOW! SOME OF YOU FUCKING PEOPLE SMOKE OR SMOKE CRACK OR YOU’RE FAT OR YOU HAVE SEX WITH PEOPLE FROM CRAIGSLIST AND I CAN GUARAN-FUCKING-TEE THAT ALL THAT SHIT CAN GIVE YOU CANCER, TOO. THIS IS MY ONE FUCKING THING THAT I LIKE TO DO THAT MIGHT KILL ME, OK? SOME OF YOU HAVE FUCKING FIVE THINGS THAT ARE GOING TO KILL YOU AND I DON’T JUDGE YOUR FUCKING CHOICES! WELL, NO, I DO AND I TALK ABOUT IT WHENEVER YOU LEAVE THE FUCKING ROOM TO HIT THE PIPE OR CHECK YOUR MISSED CONNECTIONS ON CRAIGSLIST, BUT NO BIG DEAL! IT’S NOT LIKE I’M LEAVING PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE FUCKING NOTES ON YOUR COMPUTER OR CRACK PIPE SAYING, “YEAH, UMMMM, I DUNNO IF THAT’S THE HEALTHIEST THING, YOU KNOW?” SO IF I WANT MY BLOOD SUPPLY TO BE MADE UP OF MOSTLY FUCKING ASPARTAME AND CARAMEL COLOR, SO FUCKING BE IT, OK? NOW THAT WE’VE GOTTEN THAT SHIT OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY, LET ME JUST SAY THIS: DIET PEPSI IS ONE OF GOD’S BEST FUCKING CREATIONS. JOAN CRAWFORD USED TO BE ON THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS! SHE BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THOSE RICH SODA PIGS! I WISH FUCKING FAYE DUNAWAY WOULD JUST DRESS UP AS FUCKING JOAN CRAWFORD ALL THE DAMN TIME. CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE THAT SHE DOESN’T LIKE TO TALK ABOUT BEING IN THAT FUCKING MOVIE? SHE SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN AN OSCAR. HER FACE LOOKED LIKE IT WAS TRYING TO LEAP OFF HER SKELETON WHEN SHE SCREAMS AT HER POOR HUSBAND, “WE HAVE TO LOOK (FUCKING) GREAT FOR PEPSI COLA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” AND YOU KNOW WHAT? SHE DID, GOD DAMN IT. SHE FUCKING DID LOOK GREAT, OK? PROBABLY BECAUSE SHE DRANK HER FUCKING WEIGHT IN DIET PEP EVERY DAY! SO WHAT IF IT WAS FUCKING MIXED WITH WHISKEY, SO WHAT? LET HER FUCKING HAVE THAT FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, CRAIGSLIST SLUTS! ANYWAY, DIET PEPSI SHOULD FUCKING SPONSOR ME, SINCE I AM SINGLE HANDEDLY KEEPING THAT COMPANY AFLOAT WITH THE GOD DAMNED AMOUNT OF DP I DRINK AROUND THE CLOCK. EVERYONE IS ALWAYS LIKE, “OH, DON’T YOU WANT SOME WATER?” AND I ALWAYS REPLY, “YES, DO YOU HAVE SOME FUCKING ASPARTAME AND CARAMEL COLOR TO DUNK IN THAT FUCKING WATER?” THEN THEY JUST LOOK AT ME LIKE I FUCKING PEED ON SALLY STRUTHERS WHILE SHE’S TRYING TO SAVE SOME STARVING BIAFRANS OR SOME SHIT. WHATEVER, WATER PUSHERS! YOU’LL PROBABLY END UP GETTING FLESH EATING BACTERIA FROM THAT SHIT! THAT KILLS A LOT FUCKING FASTER THAN CANCER, OK? SERIOUSLY, THOUGH, HATS OFF TO THAT FUCKING AMAZING TROOPER OF A GIRL WHO LOST HER ENTIRE BODY TO FLESH EATING BACTERIA. SHE WON’T TAKE PAIN MEDS! SHE’S FUCKING HARDCORE! I’M POURING OUT A COLD DIET PEP FOR YOU, SISTER. GET BETTER!

I JUST FUCKING LOVE STAR TREK. DON’T FUCKING LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT, STAR TREK IS FUCKING AWESOME! FIRST OF FUCKING ALL IT’S THE GOD DAMN FUTURE, OK? THE FUTURE IS THE BEST. IT HASN’T EVEN FUCKING HAPPENED YET! GOD! ANYWAY, STAR TREK IS THE OPTIMISTIC VIEW OF THE FUTURE IN WHICH WE TRAIPSE AROUND THE GALAXY, ENCOUNTERING NEW AND FUCKING EXCITING ALIENS WITH WEIRD HEAD FORMATIONS OR GROWTHS OR BRAILLE OR WHATEVER THE FUCK. AND THEN WE FUCKING SAVE HUMANITY FROM DESTRUCTION A MILLION FUCKING TIMES WHILE ANDROIDS OR VULCANS OR SEXY CAT-SUIT CYBORGS LAUGH AT “US HUMANS” FOR BEING SO IMPULSIVE AND SENTIMENTAL. THAT SOUNDS LIKE A PRETTY FUCKING SWEET DEAL TO ME! NOT LIKE IN THE STAR WARS VERSION OF THE FUTURE IN WHICH FUCKING BROTHERS MAKE OUT WITH SISTERS, FATHERS WEAR PENISES FOR HELMETS, EVERYBODY GETS THEIR FUCKING ARMS CUT THE CHRIST OFF AT LEAST ONCE IN THEIR GOD DAMNED LIVES, AND SPACE STATIONS SHOOT LASERS OUT OF THEIR BUTTHOLES AND FUCKING DESTROY ENTIRE PLANETS! IT ALSO SOUNDS BETTER THAN THE FUCKING ALIENS/ELLEN RIPLEY FUTURE IN WHICH WE’RE ALL WAGE SLAVES AND POTENTIAL FUCKING HOSTS FOR ASSHOLE ALIENS WHOSE BABY FETUSES LOOK LIKE ANGRY COCKS! I DON’T WANT TO LIVE IN THOSE FUCKING FUTURES, GOD DAMN IT! NO THANKS! I’LL TAKE THE POVERTY/WAR-FREE FUTURE THAT LETS ME WALK OVER TO A LITTLE MAGIC WINDOW THAT POURS ME A FUCKING DIET PEPSI WHEN I ASK FOR IT. AND YEAH WHATEVER, NOT ALL THE STAR TREKS WERE GOOD. DON’T EVEN FUCKING TALK TO ME ABOUT THE ONE WITH THE GUY FROM QUANTUM LEAP. I KEPT WATCHING THAT STUPID STAR TREK SPIN OFF, SCREAMING AT THE FUCKING TV, “WHERE THE CHRIST IS AL, YOU FUCKING MORON? FIND AL AND TELL HIM TO FUCKING FINGER THE SHIT OUT OF ZIGGY SO YOU CAN LEAP THE FUCK OUT OF THIS NIGHTMARE.” BUT THAT SON OF A BITCH NEVER FUCKING FOUND AL. WHATEVER, LET’S JUST ACT LIKE THAT SHIT DIDN’T HAPPEN. THAT’S WHAT I DO WHEN I DON’T LIKE SOME SHIT. OH, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? I DON’T KNOW, IT DIDN’T EVEN EXIST. ANYWAY, YEAH, SO STAR TREK IS ALSO THE ONLY FUCKING TELEVISION SHOW ABOUT THE FUTURE THAT PREDICTS THE FUCKING FUTURE, TOO. STAY WITH ME NOW, GOD DAMN IT. SO BACK WHEN THEY WERE DOING STAR TREK DEEP SPACE NINE, EVERYONE WAS WONDERING IF AMERICA CAN “ACCEPT A BLACK CAPTAIN” OF A STAR TREK SHOW. AND THEN AVERY FUCKING BROOKS CAME ON THAT SCREEN AND EVERYONE WAS LIKE, OK, YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT, THIS FUCKING GUY HAS THIS SHIT FUCKING COVERED. GET IN THAT WORMHOLE, AVERY, YOU BETTER FUCKING DO IT! AND THEN AFTER THAT WE HAD CAPTAIN FUCKING JANEWAY-MULGREW, A FUCKING WOMAN CAPTAIN, AND AT FIRST, PEOPLE WERE LIKE, OH SHIT WHAT IF SHE HAS HER FUCKING PERIOD IN SPACE, WHAT HAPPENS THEN? AND KATHY MULGREW JUST WALKED RIGHT IN AND FUCKING MADE OUR MILLENNIUM WITH HER HUSKY VOICE AND RAPIDLY CHANGING HAIRDO. FUCK YEAH. THAT’S WHY I KNEW BARACK OBAMA WAS GOING TO BE PRESIDENT BACK IN 2008. BARACK OBAMA IS THE CAPTAIN OF DEEP SPACE NINE, GOD DAMN IT, AND HILLARY CLINTON IS THE QUEEN OF VOYAGER. WHEN PEOPLE DIDN’T KNOW WHO WAS GOING TO WIN THE FUCKING DEMOCRAT NOM, I SAID, “NO, PEOPLE, CAPTAIN BARACK OBAMA SISKO IS FIRST AND THEN CAPTAIN HILLARY K. JANEWAY TAKES THE BIG CHAIR, OK, SO JUST HOLD YOUR FUCKING HORSES.” IS THIS SHIT MAKING EVEN A TINY BIT OF SENSE TO YOU? WHO THE FUCK CARES, LET’S JUST FUCKING RESIST THE BORG UNTIL OUR EYES BLEED AND GET RAPED IN THE MIND WITH DEANNA TROI WHILE EATING KRAFT EASY MAC. THAT’S FUCKING FINE WITH ME, TOO.

HI. THANKS FOR THE FUCKING SUGGESTION. I DO FUCKING LOVE A GOOD BEARD. SO DOES JOHN TRAVOLTA! HEY-O! OH, THAT WAS RUDE. HE CAN’T HELP BEING A FUCKING INSATIABLE SAUNA/ MASSAGE PARLOR SLUT! SERIOUSLY, THOUGH, EVERYBODY WHO FUCKING RULES HAS A GOOD-ASS BEARD LIKE YOU, GOD, AND ROSEANNE BARR.

I JUST FUCKING LOVE HOTEL ROOMS. WHAT LUXURY, HUH? HOTELS ARE A FUCKING AWESOME IDEA. THANK YOU TO WHOEVER THOUGHT OF RENTING OUT ROOMS ON A NIGHTLY BASIS. OR SHOULD THAT BE “WHOMEVER”? I DON’T FUCKING KNOW BECAUSE I WENT TO PUBLIC HIGH SCHOOL. WHAT THE FUCK EVER, KID! ANYWAY, I JUST LOVE TO FUCKING STAY IN A HOTEL WHENEVER POSSIBLE. IT’S SO SEXY AND SENSUAL; I LIKE TO IMAGINE I’M A FUCKING SEXY ASSASSIN OR CIA OPERATIVE ON A MISSION FOR FUCKING JUSTICE OR SOME SHIT. WHO AM I? WHO IS THAT GRACEFUL, YET SEDUCTIVE CHARACTER IN ROOM 321? WOULDN’T YOU LIKE TO KNOW, MOTHERFUCKER? WELL, TOO BAD, I SIGNED IN UNDER A PSEUDONYM! NOW YOU’LL NEVER FUCKING KNOW! NOW, PLEASE EXCUSE THE FUCK OUT OF ME WHILE I ACQUIRE MY TARGET THROUGH THIS WINDOW, JUST LIKE BRIDGET FONDA IN “POINT OF NO RETURN”. THAT WAS A FUCKING AWESOME MOVIE. I LOVE WHEN SHE FUCKING JUST PUTS ON THOSE RED THIGH-HIGH BOOTS AND SAYS, “I CAN DO IT, I CAN FINISH THIS JOB!!” YEAH, YOU FUCKING CAN, BRIDGE. SHE WANTED OUT! SHE WAS FUCKING THROUGH, GOD DAMN IT! WELL, I’M NOT THROUGH WITH FUCKING LOVING HOTELS. I LOVE TO SLIP INTO A LUXURIOUS KING BED AND WATCH SHITTY CABLE SHOWS AND STEAL EXTRA SERVINGS OF FRUIT AND PASTRY FROM THE FREE FUCKING CONTINENTAL BREAKFAST. AND! PEOPLE FUCKING COME IN AND CLEAN YOUR SHIT UP WHEN YOU GO OUT SIGHTSEEING OR ON ERRANDS AND SHIT! IT’S LIKE LIVING AT HOME, BUT WITHOUT THE GUILT OF BEING OVER 25 AND LIVING THE FUCK AT YOUR PARENT’S PLACE! ALSO! CHECK THIS OUT! YOU’RE NOT PAYING FOR FUCKING WATER, SO TAKE A FUCKING HOLLYWOOD SHOWER FOR CHRIST SAKE! TREAT YOURSELF RIGHT! REMEMBER THAT BOARD GAME, HOTELS? THAT WAS FUCKING SO FUN. WHO DOESN’T WANT TO BUY A CARDBOARD BUILDING AND IMAGINE ALL THE SWANKY GUESTS THAT ARE STAYING THERE IN FUR FUCKING COATS AND ARMANI TUXES! CHARGE THE FUCK OUT OF THOSE PEOPLE, THEY’RE GOOD FOR IT! REMEMBER THAT FUCKING TV SHOW, “HOTELS”? WELL, YEAH, I DON’T EITHER BECAUSE I’M TOO YOUNG FOR THAT SHIT BUT THE OLDIES I TALK TO TELL ME IT WAS FUCKING PRIMO. ENDLESS OPPORTUNITIES FOR STORIES SINCE PEOPLE FUCKING CHECK THE HELL OUT ALL THE TIME. ALSO, I LOVE HAUNTED HOTELS, TOO. THAT’S SOME FREE FUCKING ENTERTAINMENT PEOPLE, STOP BEING A FUCKING BABY. SO WHAT IF YOU’RE SEEING VISIONS OF SOME CHOPPED UP TWINS AND SOME FUCKING GRODY NAKED WOMAN WITH FLESH EATING BACTERIA WANTS TO HAVE SOME SEXY MAKE OUT “DO NOT DISTURB/NO MOLESTAR” TIME WITH YOU. SHE’S JUST BEING FRIENDLY! GOD! I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE A HOTEL ALL TO MYSELF OR WITH SHELLY DUVALL. SHE’S SO CUTE. WELL, NOT REALLY IN THE FACE, BUT SHE CAN’T HELP THAT! SHE’S A FUCKING NATIONAL TREASURE. I JUST WANT AN EMPTY FUCKING HOTEL AND A KING BED WITH FUCKING SHELLY DUVALL ACTING OUT SOME GOD DAMNED FAIRY TALES OR “MOTHER GOOSE ROCK N RHYME” FOR CHRIST’S SAKE. WHAT A FUCKING DREAM.

I JUST FUCKING LOVE GROCERY STORES. WHENEVER I GO TO A NEW CITY OR STATE I NEED TO IMMEDIATELY GO TO THE FUCKING GROCERY STORE SO I CAN FUCKING SEE WHERE THESE PEOPLE SHOP FOR THEIR SHIT. I’M FOR REAL! GROCERY STORES ARE SO GOD DAMNED AMAZING. IF YOU WERE A TOTAL DEADBEAT, YOU COULD PRACTICALLY HAVE A FUCKING MEAL AT THE GROCERY STORE WITHOUT PAYING SHIT FOR IT! JUST STROLL THE FUCK ON DOWN TO THE DELI COUNTER AND TELL THAT WEIRD GUY WITH THE FACIAL CYST THAT YOU’D LIKE A SAMPLE OF SOME ROAST BEEF. HE WASHED HIS HANDS, DON’T WORRY, ASSHOLE! THEN WALK DOWN TO THE BAKERY AND ASK THEM FOR THE COOKIE OF THE MONTH AND IF THEY ARGUE JUST SAY IT’S FOR YOUR FUCKING SHIT-ASS KID AND HE’LL BLOW THE PLACE UP IF HE DOESN’T GET THAT FUCKING GOD DAMNED COOKIE. GUARANTEED BAKED GOODS IF YOU USE THAT GEM. WORKS EVERY TIME. ANYWAY, THEN IF YOU ARE REALLY DARING WITH YOUR SHIT, YOU CAN JUST EAT SOME RAW FRUITS AND VEGETABLES, BUT DON’T FILL UP ON THE CRUDITE TRAY AND THEN GET TAKEN SHORT LIKE THOSE KIDS IN “LORD OF THE FLIES”. THEY FUCKIN’ SHIT THEMSELVES! THEN, IF YOUR FAT ASS IS STILL FEELING PECKISH, LOOK FOR SOME FREE SAMPLE LADIES, BUT BRING A DISGUISE SO YOU CAN GET MORE THAN ONE. AND, LASTLY, IF YOU’RE DESPERATE, YOU CAN MUNCH ON SOME BULK CANDY OR NUTS THAT THEY HAVE IN THOSE ATTRACTIVE PLASTIC CONTAINERS. THERE’S A SIGN BY THE BAGS THAT SAYS “NO SAMPLING”, BUT THEY DON’T MEAN YOU. THEY’RE JUST TRYING TO KEEP OLD PEOPLE FROM CONVERGING ON THAT AISLE EN MASSE WITH THEIR FUCKING POWER SCOOTERS. THEY LOVE A BARGAIN! OR STEALING, WHICHEVER YOU’LL LET THEM GET AWAY WITH. REMEMBER THAT FUCKING SHOW, “SUPERMARKET SWEEP”? THAT SHOW SHOULD HAVE BEEN CALLED “SHOPLIFTING BABY FORMULA AND TURKEYS” BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT EVERYONE WENT FOR SINCE THEY COST SO MUCH. GOD, BABIES ARE FUCKING EXPENSIVE, HUH? AND THEY SHIT EVERYWHERE AND THEN BLAME YOUR ASS FOR EVERYTHING LATER ON WHEN YOU WERE JUST TRYING TO KEEP THEIR FUCKING UGLY, UNGRATEFUL ASSES ALIVE AND NOT KIDNAPPED BY PEDOPHILES OR MARTIN SHORT! NO WONDER MY MOTHER TRIED TO LEAVE MY FUCKING ASS IN THE GROCERY STORE, LIKE, EVERY TIME WE WERE THERE. SHE’D ACT LIKE SHE DIDN’T KNOW ME AND THEN LAUGH AND LAUGH WHILE I SCREAMED, “YOU KNOW ME, MA! YOU KNOWWWW MEEEEE!” I CANNOT WAIT TO PUT HER FUCKING ASS IN A HOME. NO SCOOTER FOR THAT BITCH, THOUGH; I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE TO BAIL HER ASS OUT OF THE CLINK FOR STEALING BIT O’ HONEYS AND NON-PERILS! DOUBLE COUPON!

HI, THANKS FOR GETTING-THE-FUCK IN TOUCH. I AM NOT DEXTER’S FUCKING SISTER BUT SHE SOUNDS LIKE SHE WOULD FUCKING LOVE TO TALK ABOUT FUCKING AWESOME STUFF WITH ME. DO YOU HAVE HER FUCKING NUMBER? THE ACTRESS, I MEAN, NOT THE CHARACTER, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE. AND, GOD DAMN IT, DON’T LIE ABOUT IT AND GIVE ME A FAKE NUMBER, I KNOW 555 IS A FUCKING IMAGINARY AREA CODE FOR TV.

I JUST FUCKING LOVE GAY MARRIAGE. OR SAME-SEX MARRIAGE. OR WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT. I MEAN, JESUS, LOOK AT THAT FUCKING CAKE?! IT’S SO BEAUTIFUL! I MEAN, OK, SO, ONE OF THE GIRLS IN THE LESBIAN COUPLE SHOULD BE IN A TASTEFUL FEMININE TUXEDO INSTEAD OF A DRESS, AND ONE OF THE MEN IN THE GAY GUY COUPLE SHOULD BE A BEAR, BUT OTHER THAN THAT, IT’S TOTALLY FUCKING FINE! WELL, EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT BOTH OF THE WOMEN IN THE LEZ COUPLE HAVE LONG HAIR; THAT SHIT IS NOT OK. TWO LONG-HAIRED LESBIANS CANNOT FUCKING BE TOGETHER. I MEAN, THEY CAN BOTH HAVE SHORT HAIR WHEN THEY’RE OLDER BECAUSE WHAT FUCKING WOMAN HAS TIME FOR LONG HAIR IN HER 60’S? NO-FUCKING-BODY, BUT STILL, AT LEAST WHEN THEY’RE BOTH 60, ONE OF THEM SHOULD LOOK LIKE THEY USED TO HAVE LONG HAIR, YOU KNOW? DON’T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT, MY BEST FRIEND IS A LEZ AND SHE TOLD ME THAT THOSE ARE THE FUCKING RULES OF LEZDOM! ONE SHORT-HAIR AND ONE LONG-HAIR! AND THOSE TWO GUYS BETTER NOT BE VERSATILE BECAUSE THAT’S AGAINST GOD’S FUCKING GOD DAMNED LAW. ONE OF THEM MUST BE A TOP AND THE OTHER HAS TO BE A BOTTOM OR BABY JESUS WILL PROJECTILE FART CHINESE STARS AT THE MEEK, WHO WILL MOST CERTAINLY NOT BE INHERITING THE EARTH. ONE OF THOSE GAY GUYS NEEDS TO BE SLIGHTLY MORE FEMININE THAN THE OTHER, OR NO DICE. SERIOUSLY! OR EVERYBODY’S GOING TO HELL FOR REAL, OK? ALL JOKING ASIDE, WHAT IS SO FUCKING HARD TO DEAL WITH ABOUT TWO GOD DAMNED PEOPLE, WHO ARE LEGAL ADULTS AND NOT BLOOD RELATED, AND IN FUCKING LOVE, GETTING FUCKING MARRIED? ARE YOU A HOMO? NO? WELL, THEN DON’T MARRY A FUCKING GAY GUY, SHITBIRD! HEY GIRL, ARE YOU A LEZ? NO? WELL, THEN STOP MAKING OUT WITH YOUR SORORITY SISTERS AT PARTIES! JUST KIDDING, I KNOW YOU NEED MONEY. OH MY GOD, LISTEN TO ME! THAT WAS SO RUDE! ALMOST AS RUDE AS VOTING ON SOMEONE ELSE’S CIVIL FUCKING RIGHTS! IF YOU ARE NOT GAY THEN YOU PROBABLY WON’T BE INVOLVED IN A GAY FUCKING MARRIAGE ANYTIME SOON. GUESS WHAT-THE-FUCK ELSE? IF YOU’RE HETEROSEXUAL, GAY MARRIAGE IS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS, SO STOP BEING A FUCKING BUSY BODY NOSY PARKER. AND STOP TELLING ME THAT YOU’RE AFRAID THAT FUCKING SCHOOL TEACHERS WILL TEACH YOUR KIDS ABOUT GAY PEOPLE AND THAT’S WHY GAY MARRIAGE IS WRONG, ASSHOLES. WANNA KNOW WHAT? THEY READ FAIRY TALES ABOUT GIRLS GETTING MARRIED TO GUYS TO EVERY FUCKING KID IN EVERY FUCKING KINDERGARTEN AND STILL, AT LEAST 1 OUT OF 10 OF THOSE KIDS TURNS OUT TO BE GAY OR LEZ OR SOME MIXTURE OF BOTH. I THINK THEY CALL THEM GLAZE. OR BISEXUAL. I DON’T KNOW, I DON’T HAVE FUCKING TIME. ANYWAY. CUT THE SHIT, AMERICA, AND STOP BEING SO FUCKING STUPID. TOM CRUISE IS HERE AND HE’S QUEER AND FRANKLY, I’M SORT OF FUCKING USED TO IT RIGHT NOW, SO WHY DON’T YOU GET WITH THE FUCKING PROGRAM AND GET USED TO THE AMAZING GAYS AND LESBIANS AND GLAZEBIAN/BISEXUALIANS AND CAKES WITH TWO PEOPLE OF THE SAME FUCKING GENDER ON THEM. GOD, IT’S CAKE, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE! ISN’T EATING CAKE, LIKE, ONE OF YOUR MAIN FUNCTIONS, YOU FAT CHURCH PEOPLE? JUST KIDDING. OBESITY IS REALLY FUCKED UP.